Monday, March 31, 2008

Grief

The best way I can explain losing someone you love is comparing it to losing a limb. Though technically not a vital organ an arm or leg is a part of who you are. It helps you form your identity and define who you are as a person, it is the way you relate to the world and you enjoy it for what it brings to your life. Limbs cannot be replaced-prosthetics are not a new arm or leg, it is just a way to help you cope with losing this part of yourself. At the beginning, just as with a new surgical incision the pain is overwhelming, it is all you think about and most days begin and end with thoughts of how this is affecting your life. With time comes some healing. Not the kind that magically replace what you lost, the scar is still painfully obvious and your missing limb is still very noticible, but the thoughts of loss become less frequent. Still, when you notice that you are now different from how you used to be, the pain is just as intense. Sometimes you can just be thinking back on a not so distant event, and it reminds you of the whole person you used to be. Sometimes you notice others and envy their perfect, and whole body. You hate them for not missing a limb like you are, and you hate how they are totally unaware of how their lives are different for having a limb. Some can say, "Wow, I can't even imagine..." or "I am so sorry" while you appreciate their thoughts and support, it is something that until you are missing a part of yourself, you cannot and will not fully appreciate. Sometimes you look around and people that you never noticed are missing a limb-you develop a sense of comraderie with them and one day hope not to be crippled by your loss, but develop a new existence without your arm or leg, like they have.
Today I woke up and remembered that I am missing an arm. I have developed a new way of life and have adapted to this loss, but this morning I woke up and the pain was as sharp as the initial surgical wound. I know that I will have my arm back someday, but sometimes that knowledge isn't as effective in combating these feelings of loss. The anniversary of Emma's death is getting closer, and maybe that is why I have been more aware of this loss. I am basically just writing this to get all of these thoughts out of my head. Sometimes when I am struggling with things, words start forming like an essay, and I just needed to get it out. I will be ok. I know I will be ok. I am blessed in a million other ways, and for those blessings I am grateful. It just hurts. I miss her so much, sometimes it feels like a sharp pain or heaviness in my chest. I miss all the plans I had for the future like graduation, weddings, grandchildren. I miss the things I would have experienced with her by now-how would she look-would her hair be long enough for pigtails now? How would her third christmas have been, what would she have asked Santa for? How would she and Jacks be getting along-what would she have made him for his birthday? I miss her sweet face and big heart. I miss nap time with her, she had a way she would curl up against me and sometimes that spot where she would fit hurts. I guess I just miss my arm.

4 comments:

Cristina said...

I miss her to Sara. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and the beautiful person that she was. But you will be a complete family again, and it is amazing that we know that, because so many people don't...they think that it just ends here. Just think of how excited she is going to be when she gets to see her mommy again. And Emma is probably in heaven having a ball with Abby...and teaching her all her tricks. You did an amazing job with her Sara, she was just too perfect to be here for longer. I love you and I am always here if you need to talk.

rachanderson said...

Sara, I love you. it's gong to be okey, it just sucks now. at least that what I keep telling myself.

Jacob and DeaAnna said...

I really feel so blessed to be your friend and to have known Emma. Thank you for sharing, it always helps even if just a little bit to get those thoughts out. Children are a very special gift, and I forget that sometimes. Thanks for reminding me. Call me whenever you need to. Love you tons!!

Kamarah, Frank & Maelee said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Heart,
Kamarah