Thursday, April 7, 2016

a virtual love letter

My dearest angel,
It is that dreaded time of year again. The time of year that pulls me from my bed at 4 am, tears staining my pillow because the enormity of losing you becomes too fresh yet again. It's what brings me here to my computer to send you this virtual love letter. Somehow, incredibly, another revolution of the earth around the sun has occurred. In someways it seems like minutes have passed since I last held you, and in other ways it seems like an eternity. I want you to know that the hole in my heart where you fit is still there. Some of the sharp edges have been smoothed over time, but the hole remains the same large, gaping size. In fact, if I am not careful, I could lose myself in it. Most of the time, I carefully avoid examining the void-it's how I can cope day in and day out. But at times like these, when I sit alone, silently weeping for the precious moments that have passed and the even sweeter moments that will never occur the void becomes too large for me to ignore and it is painfully obvious how broken I still feel.

Do not fret though, my sweet. Even though I weep I would never want the pain of losing you to become too dull. It's testament to how even though you were only mine for 20 short months, the love I feel for you is without end. It doesn't matter whether it is 9 or 90 years my mother heart will never stop pining for you. I have hope that one day, it will all make sense. That the cosmic plan will reveal itself and I will see with fresh eyes why heaven needed you more than l. But I fully expect that will not be until I am holding you again. I have sweet hope that I will hold you again some day. I cling to that hope. But it's so hard. In April, especially, it almost seems too much to ask, too long, too hard.  That is why I am here I am sending you this unrequited (for now) love letter to let you know how much I still love you. How my arms ache to hold you, my fingers ache to brush your sweet face, and my lips ache to kiss your sweet cheeks. Oh how I long to hear you speak, to talk with you and hear your thoughts, to brush your hair, watch you with your sister and brothers, and to peek into your room and watch you sleep at night. My heart longs for you, and always will.

I love you my sweet girl and although I am broken here and now, I will forge on. I will be brave and strong. But don't let appearances fool you, the hole in my heart is still there. It is still very real, and some days almost too large to bear.

All my love,
Your mommy

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