a virtual love letter

My dearest angel,

It is that dreaded time of year again. The time of year that pulls me from my bed at 4 am, tears staining my pillow because the enormity of losing you becomes too fresh yet again. It's what brings me here to my computer to send you this virtual love letter. Somehow, incredibly, another revolution of the earth around the sun has occurred. In someways it seems like minutes have passed since I last held you, and in other ways it seems like an eternity. I want you to know that the hole in my heart where you fit is still there. Some of the sharp edges have been smoothed over time, but the hole remains the same large, gaping size. In fact, if I am not careful, I could lose myself in it. Most of the time, I carefully avoid examining the void-it's how I can cope day in and day out. But at times like these, when I sit alone, silently weeping for the precious moments that have passed and the even sweeter moments that will never occur the void becomes too large for me to ignore and it is painfully obvious how broken I still feel.

Do not fret though, my sweet. Even though I weep I would never want the pain of losing you to become too dull. It's testament to how even though you were only mine for 20 short months, the love I feel for you is without end. It doesn't matter whether it is 9 or 90 years my mother heart will never stop pining for you. I have hope that one day, it will all make sense. That the cosmic plan will reveal itself and I will see with fresh eyes why heaven needed you more than l. But I fully expect that will not be until I am holding you again. I have sweet hope that I will hold you again some day. I cling to that hope. But it's so hard. In April, especially, it almost seems too much to ask, too long, too hard.  That is why I am here I am sending you this unrequited (for now) love letter to let you know how much I still love you. How my arms ache to hold you, my fingers ache to brush your sweet face, and my lips ache to kiss your sweet cheeks. Oh how I long to hear you speak, to talk with you and hear your thoughts, to brush your hair, watch you with your sister and brothers, and to peek into your room and watch you sleep at night. My heart longs for you, and always will.

I love you my sweet girl and although I am broken here and now, I will forge on. I will be brave and strong. But don't let appearances fool you, the hole in my heart is still there. It is still very real, and some days almost too large to bear.

All my love,

Your mommy

August 18

August 18...
As this day approaches every year, my feelings become so close to the surface, I feel nearly transparent. Another 365 days have passed since the last time I baked you a cake that you won't be sharing. I write these posts not for sympathy or attention but I truly believe that written word is more permanent than a thought or wish and so... Because I cannot gather you in my arms and brush your blonde head (the way I do your sister) and tell you these things, I leave them on the page.
My sweet girl, I want you to know that even though we've been separated longer than we were together on this earth, my heart is still yours.
 As I stood by your sister last night in the concert, I thought about how things would be if you were on the other side of me. So many times I silently wish and reimagine how different my life would look with you here. The first time your brothers and sister held sweet baby Max, mentally I was adding you to the picture. I want you to know how desperately I still miss you. How with every life change, or new phase we enter as a family, I am silently adding you to the picture.  Because I know you still fit, just in ways that my broken mother heart cannot see. I watched Tangled for the 50th time with your brothers this week, and wept during the princesses reuniting with her parents. I know that will be us someday, your father and I holding you close and running our fingers over your face which I know will still be familiar. But until then...
Sending you this latern up on your birthday again, my sweet missing princess. Happy birthday Emma.

My dearest Emma...

My Sweet Blonde Haired Angel,
Well, the day that I dread most out of every other day is here. Perhaps that's why I am here typing at 12:30 at night, stricken with insomnia I know too well. I climbed out of bed, my fingers aching to type out some therapy. I lay in bed, reminded of all the moments of that day I can still recall. I wish I could remember some of the little things that day, the way you looked and smelled, what you said. Those are the thoughts I want to keep in my brain. Instead, I remembered how I nursed your brother and busily made sure dinner was made, gave you a little kiss and hurried out the door for the day for work, blissfully ignorant.

I remember sitting at work, unknowing (I feel like I should have had an inkling...)
I remember getting a call, and a kind friend wisely driving me to the hospital, I remember the panic and hope I still felt driving there. I remember a few of the doctor's words while sitting in the quiet room of the ER as the social worker helplessly watched me sob. I remember holding your sweet body, your spirit freshly gone and asking for more blankets for your cold body. I remember seeing your denim and eyelet outfit cut on the floor, the outfit I had recently bought you for a birthday party. I remember tear stained faces of the staff who valiantly tried to save you. I remember leaving the hospital empty handed that night, utterly broken hearted. I remember waking up multiple times, startled out of my dream like state only to remember that you were gone, and crying myself back to sleep. These are the things that haunt me. I would rather have the memories of your sweet face.

My dear, I wish I could hold you now. You would be celebrating your 9th birthday this year. I watch your brothers and sister grow and my heart aches. I see all the steps you should be celebrating. The stages you should be passing. I wonder how you would have kept your hair, and the activities you would be doing. My arms ache to hold you and listen to you tell me about your day, and your friends. My fingers ache to brush through your sweet hair and brush your soft cheek. You see, I remain utterly broken hearted. That hasn't changed. The piece of my heart that was shattered that night of August 18, 2007 is still fractured and won't ever be repaired. I try most of the time to remember the promises made by our Savior, and to remain faithful and hopeful. But for this day every year, it's too hard, I have to relinquish. I don't want to be brave anymore, or strong. I don't want to be faithful, or patient.

I write this so you know how much I still love you. That despite appearances I will never be totally whole. I want you to know how my arms still literally ache for you, how I wish I could hold you like I used to, your little body cradled in mine. I want you to know that feeling will never go away for me. I will be 90 years old and miss you.

I won't stop being patient or faithful, or brave or strong. I promise. But I'll start again tomorrow.

I miss you my sweet girl.
With all the love I have to give,
Your mommy

Quick Update

Figured since I have been a super slacker, I should update my blog. After a year. I know. We have been quite busy and I have been trying to take more pics, so here a few pics of our fall festivities. Enjoy :)

PS... Recognize the lion costume? It was Jacksons'. That makes me happy.

Gratitude

Hello all. This post is a little late for Thanksgiving, but that is not what really started me thinking. I am excited for the holidays but, as it is for many families, it is also a hard time because we will be celebrating without one of our family members again this year. I was feeling particularly bad and lost and alone and I stumbled on a beautiful blog written by a young woman who was injured in an airplane crash and was burnt 80% of her body. One post in particular struck me where she was expressing frustration at the new way her body looked. She said how she had a moment where she felt the Lord's love for her.(http://nieniedialogues.com/) I can relate. Suddenly, while I was filled with sadness and loneliness at all I have lost, I remembered times where the spirit spoke to me and I was filled with His love for me. I feel like I don't remember those times enough where God has whispered peace to my soul and left me with feelings of love and calm. I am grateful that my life experiences have given me a sure knowledge that I am loved by a Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ who has endured all. I am grateful for their perfect love. I am grateful that families are eternal. I am grateful for a gospel that gave me the courage to get up in my darkest days. I am grateful for a supportive family who has been with me and laughed and cried with me. They have comforted me and loved me. In that same vein, I am grateful for true friends. Friends who even though they didn't have the "right words" loved me and grieved with me. I am grateful for a husband who is my all. He has been there with me when I wake up crying in the night, and held me. Justin Lines, you are an amazing man. I am grateful for Jackson who, was my light in dark times. He saved me from the darkest part of my life and I am grateful for his little spirit and how he makes me laugh. I am grateful for my Madi baby, who has helped heal my heart. She cannot replace Emma, but she makes me hope again for tea parties, ballet, Anne of Green Gables, boyfriends, shopping for prom and a wedding dress one day and seeing her become a mommy. I am grateful I get to be a mommy of a daughter again. I am grateful for my Emma. She was an example of how we should be and I will live my life trying to live up to her example and live with the hope I can prove myself worthy of being her Mommy again.

As Christmas approaches, I will try to let my heart be filled with thanks and gratitude for the blessings of my life, and not get caught up in what I don't have. I will look around and notice others' struggles and trials. I will try to be a better friend. I will enjoy the magic of Christmas and be grateful for my two beautiful healthy babies. I want to soak in His love and peace and remember that even though life is fragile, it is so, so precious. But, most of all, I want to have some times to be still. I want to remember the times when He has spoken peace to my soul and remember how much He loves us all.

I am grateful.

Saw this on another's blog and really liked it. Thinking about Emma a lot recently and missing her. I'd like to think that this is something she would say or think about me. This really touched me and thought that I would post it, mostly so that I would have it in a spot to find later. I know that everyone is facing hard stuff right now, whether it is jobs, or school, money, kids, marriage or just normal everyday stuff. Hang on, I know that we have lots of people (many unseen) cheering us on. Love you Emma baby.

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” Christopher Robin to Pooh

Happy 5th Anniversary!

Five years ago yesterday I married my best friend. We had only known each other 4 months, but within two weeks, I knew that he was different and that things were different between us. Justin, I want you to know that I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as to-morrow... (sorry had a little sing-a-long going on in my head) but it is true. We have been so much in five years, more than some couples who have been married for much longer. Four pregnancies, three births, one transition from human to angel, five moves including one cross country, three jobs for me, 10 for you ;) one college graduation and starting grad school. An old car, one brand new car, a new puppy, passing of a kitty, 20 lbs gained and lost, too many nights of no sleep to keep count, too many tears (good and bad) to count, along with laughing so hard with you that I can't breathe. And through it all I love you. I am glad that five years ago we decided to make it official, and for eternity to boot. You are still my bestest friend, you get my jokes, still think I am cute (even though I still have like 15 of those 20 lbs to go), bring me a glass of water before bed, love arguing politics with me, even when I secretly agree with you, love spooning me in bed, take the kids and let me sleep in, and still give me kisses that make my tummy feel like jello. Here's to five more good ones. Love ya babe!

PS. Emma's birthday is on the 18th which is Tuesday. I was thinking alot about what to do and I was wondering if those that read my blog could, in honor of her birthday, do a random act of kindness for someone else. It doesn't have to be totally random, just an act of kindness. Emma made my world a better place and so I think it would be nice if I could make things a little better in honor of her. I would like to think she is watching us sometimes and I think she would really like that. Thanks all!